the sense in sensuality

Too much tiktok
I know because I transitioned from sleeping to waking
to the imagined audio of the videos of the same things on repeat
and I stopped
After berating myself for yet another task not yet done,
For allowing my distraction to take over
For choosing the distraction and going numb in the in-between
Until a spark of emotion reminds me
What am I doing?
I take a drive with the window down
singing along to the music
no longer wishing for someone to see me.
dancing in traffic in time to the lyrics.
I come home to the scent of something sicky sweet,
I knew it before I knew it and breathed it in,
I checked to confirm far away from what was near.
The almost overripe bananas I did not yet eat
I sat in the anticipation
In the dark of this night illuminated by the soft light of screens
the movement of my fingers instinctually, moving and tapping
the languid and graceful motions as they reach for letters
the resulting rhythm of the mechanical press of the keys.
I am at home and hunched over,
relaxed and looking to name this feeling and not wanting to name it
In waiting for the tea to come down to the right temp
I fear that, while not cold, it is no longer hot enough for me to enjoy.
Alone, I am discovering some of me.



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